Weakness.

I am weak.
I cry for trivial reasons.
I am weak.
I can't do anything by myself.
I am weak.
I always lose to temptation.
I am weak.
I can't control my life.
I am weak.
I have no confidence in myself.
I am weak.
I pretend to be strong.
I am weak.
I am afraid of what others think of me.
I am weak.
I have no discipline.
I am weak.
I can't protect the things closest to me.
I am weak.
I desire human love more than God's love.
I am weak.
I can't love or accept myself.
I am weak.
I don't understand my emotions.
I am weak...

I am weak.
So I cried out to God and said,
"Give me strength!
Give me the strength to fight my demons!
Give me the strength to shield my family!
Give me the strength to battle against my struggles!
LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH!!"

So I waged my own personal war.
For weeks and months on end, I fought mightily and resisted valiantly.
I thought I was winning.

But I was sinking, gradually sinking, into a false sense of security.
There was no victory.
There was no safety.
Only hurt and longing.
Longing for something bigger, greater.
Where was the strength I asked for? Where was God?

So I said, "GOD!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!"
God said, "Cry."
I said, "No."
God asked, "Why not?"
I said, "Because men don't cry.
Because I have people depending on me.
Because my problems aren't worth crying over.
Because I don't want people to think I'm weak.
Because I'm strong.
Because I'm strong.
BECAUSE I'M STRONG."
God said, "'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.' You're too weak to cry."
I said, "Fine. But why won't you make me stronger? I prayed for strength!"
God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I said, "I know! I know already! I get it. So all of my expectations, burdens, fears, doubts, worries... I have to just deal with them? Make me stronger! Make my enemies and sins tremble before me! I want to be STRONG! What do you want me to do, God? I'm at a loss here. What would you have me do?"
God said, "Cry."

So I cried. I sobbed. I bawled. I wept. I cried like I've never cried before.
Because I was weak... so unbearably weak.
Because I was hurting and I couldn't show it.
Because He told me it was alright to cry sometimes.
He held me close and comforted me as my tears fell.
He loved me more than anyone or anything.
He was strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

Amen.

Refiner's fire.
My heart's one desire is to be holy,
set apart for you, Lord.
I choose to be holy,
set apart for you, my master,
ready to do your will.

Get back to work.

"I have a friend who’s an Italian filmmaker of great artistic sensibility. After years of struggling to get his films made, he sent an anguished letter to his hero, the brilliant (and perhaps half-insane) German filmmaker Werner Herzog. My friend complained about how difficult it is these days to be an independent filmmaker, how hard it is to find government arts grants, how the audiences have all been ruined by Hollywood and how the world has lost its taste…etc, etc. Herzog wrote back a personal letter to my friend that essentially ran along these lines: 'Quit your complaining. It’s not the world’s fault that you wanted to be an artist. It’s not the world’s job to enjoy the films you make, and it’s certainly not the world’s obligation to pay for your dreams. Nobody wants to hear it. Steal a camera if you have to, but stop whining and get back to work.' I repeat those words back to myself whenever I start to feel resentful, entitled, competitive or unappreciated with regard to my writing: 'It’s not the world’s fault that you want to be an artist…now get back to work.' Always, at the end of the day, the important thing is only and always that: Get back to work. This is a path for the courageous and the faithful. You must find another reason to work, other than the desire for success or recognition. It must come from another place."

So true.

The To-Do List With A Single Item

Idea stolen from Stupid Motivational Tricks blog:

"This summer I'm trying something new: a to-do list with a single item. The principle is very simple. You have a "list" with one thing to do. When you've done it, you strike that item through and add a second item. All efforts go toward completing that item. Don't even think about the third thing, even if you know in the back of your mind what it is... The main point is to focus on one thing at a time instead of scattering one's attention and getting a fraction of many different tasks done without completing anything. This is especially important in times of stress."

TO-DO LIST:
1. Rewrite Song
2. Support Letters
3. Missionary Biography
4. Senior Banquet stuff
5. Meet up with people
6. I don't know yet.

Daniel Fast?

Maybe this is going a little overboard with this year's Daniel fast but I'm going to do my meat/dairy/processed-food/sugar/everything-else-that-tastes-good fast in conjunction with a media fast.

My Daniel fast last year would have been far more blessing and fulfilling if not for my weakness to media distractions. Media... I bid thee, adieu.

GAAAAAAH.

Lord when does it end?

Cold.

"Sometimes you come off as... cold."
"That's because I AM cold. I'm a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all."

Is that how people see me? No matter how many times I feel like I've given it up to God, I can't fully put my self-worth in Him. I know how stupid it is to be thinking what other people think of me. I know that the death of Christ on the cross covers my iniquities, my short-comings, my failures. I know that the world looks at the outside, whereas God looks at the man's heart.

Everyone struggles with insecurities. Everyone. So how do they deal with them? As Christians, we are taught to be different, radically different, in the way we approach this struggle. We are called to look to God alone, to remember the sacrifice he made, to realize that we are sinful, fallen beings who should throw our lives away for one purpose. "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24

Yet, once again, I find it is much easier said than done.

Many of my friends consider their friendship with me as something cheap, easily discarded. So I smile. They hurt me time and time again, but I smile. I supress my anger, my hurt, my discouragement, my disappointment, my pain, and I smile. But there's a problem. My cheekbones start to ache. So sometimes I drop the smile. I lash. I stand up for myself. People retaliate. "Why are you so angry today? What's wrong with you? That's messed up. You're so full of yourself. I didn't do anything. Is that how a Christian should be acting? That's jacked up." So I smile again.

Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek. My pride is worthless before the cross. So I try to suppress it. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to forgive your brother EVERY time (everybody knows he doesn't mean only 49 x 49 times). So I try. I try to forget times I was hurt. I attempt to hold my tongue. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to get the plank out of my own eye before I try to take the speck out of my brother's eye. So I build my patience. I allow myself to be pushed around. I PRAY FOR BROKEN-NESS. Jesus also teaches that I should not go to bed with a grudge against my brother. But I am too scared. My friend may consider our relationship as easily dispensable, but I sure as hell don't.

So where is the limit? Where does a person go from being "caring/chill/nice/patient" to "cowardly/weak/a push-over"? Do I just care too much? Am I asking too much? How do I care less, then? Am I simply demanding respect? Is that wrong? Can I be selfless when it hurts this much? Am I ever going to be able to discard this conditional love of mine? Will I ever be able to love with the love of God? I need Jesus. I started this post with a question and it looks like I'm ending with many.

I really am a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all. You just don't know it yet.

"Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living." Job 28:13

I hate when I know the answer but I don't KNOW the answer.

2010?

What a way to start off the new year.
Had an emotional breakdown.
Worked through it.
I hope this isn't an omen of things to come.