Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Cold.
"Sometimes you come off as... cold."
"That's because I AM cold. I'm a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all."
Is that how people see me? No matter how many times I feel like I've given it up to God, I can't fully put my self-worth in Him. I know how stupid it is to be thinking what other people think of me. I know that the death of Christ on the cross covers my iniquities, my short-comings, my failures. I know that the world looks at the outside, whereas God looks at the man's heart.
Everyone struggles with insecurities. Everyone. So how do they deal with them? As Christians, we are taught to be different, radically different, in the way we approach this struggle. We are called to look to God alone, to remember the sacrifice he made, to realize that we are sinful, fallen beings who should throw our lives away for one purpose. "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24
Yet, once again, I find it is much easier said than done.
Many of my friends consider their friendship with me as something cheap, easily discarded. So I smile. They hurt me time and time again, but I smile. I supress my anger, my hurt, my discouragement, my disappointment, my pain, and I smile. But there's a problem. My cheekbones start to ache. So sometimes I drop the smile. I lash. I stand up for myself. People retaliate. "Why are you so angry today? What's wrong with you? That's messed up. You're so full of yourself. I didn't do anything. Is that how a Christian should be acting? That's jacked up." So I smile again.
Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek. My pride is worthless before the cross. So I try to suppress it. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to forgive your brother EVERY time (everybody knows he doesn't mean only 49 x 49 times). So I try. I try to forget times I was hurt. I attempt to hold my tongue. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to get the plank out of my own eye before I try to take the speck out of my brother's eye. So I build my patience. I allow myself to be pushed around. I PRAY FOR BROKEN-NESS. Jesus also teaches that I should not go to bed with a grudge against my brother. But I am too scared. My friend may consider our relationship as easily dispensable, but I sure as hell don't.
So where is the limit? Where does a person go from being "caring/chill/nice/patient" to "cowardly/weak/a push-over"? Do I just care too much? Am I asking too much? How do I care less, then? Am I simply demanding respect? Is that wrong? Can I be selfless when it hurts this much? Am I ever going to be able to discard this conditional love of mine? Will I ever be able to love with the love of God? I need Jesus. I started this post with a question and it looks like I'm ending with many.
I really am a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all. You just don't know it yet.
"Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living." Job 28:13
I hate when I know the answer but I don't KNOW the answer.
"That's because I AM cold. I'm a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all."
Is that how people see me? No matter how many times I feel like I've given it up to God, I can't fully put my self-worth in Him. I know how stupid it is to be thinking what other people think of me. I know that the death of Christ on the cross covers my iniquities, my short-comings, my failures. I know that the world looks at the outside, whereas God looks at the man's heart.
Everyone struggles with insecurities. Everyone. So how do they deal with them? As Christians, we are taught to be different, radically different, in the way we approach this struggle. We are called to look to God alone, to remember the sacrifice he made, to realize that we are sinful, fallen beings who should throw our lives away for one purpose. "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24
Yet, once again, I find it is much easier said than done.
Many of my friends consider their friendship with me as something cheap, easily discarded. So I smile. They hurt me time and time again, but I smile. I supress my anger, my hurt, my discouragement, my disappointment, my pain, and I smile. But there's a problem. My cheekbones start to ache. So sometimes I drop the smile. I lash. I stand up for myself. People retaliate. "Why are you so angry today? What's wrong with you? That's messed up. You're so full of yourself. I didn't do anything. Is that how a Christian should be acting? That's jacked up." So I smile again.
Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek. My pride is worthless before the cross. So I try to suppress it. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to forgive your brother EVERY time (everybody knows he doesn't mean only 49 x 49 times). So I try. I try to forget times I was hurt. I attempt to hold my tongue. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to get the plank out of my own eye before I try to take the speck out of my brother's eye. So I build my patience. I allow myself to be pushed around. I PRAY FOR BROKEN-NESS. Jesus also teaches that I should not go to bed with a grudge against my brother. But I am too scared. My friend may consider our relationship as easily dispensable, but I sure as hell don't.
So where is the limit? Where does a person go from being "caring/chill/nice/patient" to "cowardly/weak/a push-over"? Do I just care too much? Am I asking too much? How do I care less, then? Am I simply demanding respect? Is that wrong? Can I be selfless when it hurts this much? Am I ever going to be able to discard this conditional love of mine? Will I ever be able to love with the love of God? I need Jesus. I started this post with a question and it looks like I'm ending with many.
I really am a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all. You just don't know it yet.
"Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living." Job 28:13
I hate when I know the answer but I don't KNOW the answer.
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