I am weak.
I cry for trivial reasons.
I am weak.
I can't do anything by myself.
I am weak.
I always lose to temptation.
I am weak.
I can't control my life.
I am weak.
I have no confidence in myself.
I am weak.
I pretend to be strong.
I am weak.
I am afraid of what others think of me.
I am weak.
I have no discipline.
I am weak.
I can't protect the things closest to me.
I am weak.
I desire human love more than God's love.
I am weak.
I can't love or accept myself.
I am weak.
I don't understand my emotions.
I am weak...
I am weak.
So I cried out to God and said,
"Give me strength!
Give me the strength to fight my demons!
Give me the strength to shield my family!
Give me the strength to battle against my struggles!
LORD, GIVE ME STRENGTH!!"
So I waged my own personal war.
For weeks and months on end, I fought mightily and resisted valiantly.
I thought I was winning.
But I was sinking, gradually sinking, into a false sense of security.
There was no victory.
There was no safety.
Only hurt and longing.
Longing for something bigger, greater.
Where was the strength I asked for? Where was God?
So I said, "GOD!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!"
God said, "Cry."
I said, "No."
God asked, "Why not?"
I said, "Because men don't cry.
Because I have people depending on me.
Because my problems aren't worth crying over.
Because I don't want people to think I'm weak.
Because I'm strong.
Because I'm strong.
BECAUSE I'M STRONG."
God said, "'Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.' You're too weak to cry."
I said, "Fine. But why won't you make me stronger? I prayed for strength!"
God said, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
I said, "I know! I know already! I get it. So all of my expectations, burdens, fears, doubts, worries... I have to just deal with them? Make me stronger! Make my enemies and sins tremble before me! I want to be STRONG! What do you want me to do, God? I'm at a loss here. What would you have me do?"
God said, "Cry."
So I cried. I sobbed. I bawled. I wept. I cried like I've never cried before.
Because I was weak... so unbearably weak.
Because I was hurting and I couldn't show it.
Because He told me it was alright to cry sometimes.
He held me close and comforted me as my tears fell.
He loved me more than anyone or anything.
He was strong.
2 Corinthians 12:9-10
"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
Amen.
