"Sometimes you come off as... cold."
"That's because I AM cold. I'm a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all."
Is that how people see me? No matter how many times I feel like I've given it up to God, I can't fully put my self-worth in Him. I know how stupid it is to be thinking what other people think of me. I know that the death of Christ on the cross covers my iniquities, my short-comings, my failures. I know that the world looks at the outside, whereas God looks at the man's heart.
Everyone struggles with insecurities. Everyone. So how do they deal with them? As Christians, we are taught to be different, radically different, in the way we approach this struggle. We are called to look to God alone, to remember the sacrifice he made, to realize that we are sinful, fallen beings who should throw our lives away for one purpose. "However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me - the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace." Acts 20:24
Yet, once again, I find it is much easier said than done.
Many of my friends consider their friendship with me as something cheap, easily discarded. So I smile. They hurt me time and time again, but I smile. I supress my anger, my hurt, my discouragement, my disappointment, my pain, and I smile. But there's a problem. My cheekbones start to ache. So sometimes I drop the smile. I lash. I stand up for myself. People retaliate. "Why are you so angry today? What's wrong with you? That's messed up. You're so full of yourself. I didn't do anything. Is that how a Christian should be acting? That's jacked up." So I smile again.
Jesus teaches to turn the other cheek. My pride is worthless before the cross. So I try to suppress it. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to forgive your brother EVERY time (everybody knows he doesn't mean only 49 x 49 times). So I try. I try to forget times I was hurt. I attempt to hold my tongue. I pray for broken-ness. Jesus teaches to get the plank out of my own eye before I try to take the speck out of my brother's eye. So I build my patience. I allow myself to be pushed around. I PRAY FOR BROKEN-NESS. Jesus also teaches that I should not go to bed with a grudge against my brother. But I am too scared. My friend may consider our relationship as easily dispensable, but I sure as hell don't.
So where is the limit? Where does a person go from being "caring/chill/nice/patient" to "cowardly/weak/a push-over"? Do I just care too much? Am I asking too much? How do I care less, then? Am I simply demanding respect? Is that wrong? Can I be selfless when it hurts this much? Am I ever going to be able to discard this conditional love of mine? Will I ever be able to love with the love of God? I need Jesus. I started this post with a question and it looks like I'm ending with many.
I really am a bitter, sarcastic, wanna-be know-it-all. You just don't know it yet.
"Man does not comprehend its worth; it cannot be found in the land of the living." Job 28:13
I hate when I know the answer but I don't KNOW the answer.
Kevin! This entire post got me teary-eyed :( Seriously. And you know it's because I can relate. Haha. Eek.
ReplyDelete"Many of my friends consider their friendship with me as something cheap, easily discarded." That and the rest of the description about smiling.. oh my goodness. That is me, too. Or thats what I feel. But at least you get the chance to lash out, I never really lash out and keep everything in. I dont think that is very healthy... We must find a more healthy way of dealing with this. Haha -_-
"My friend may consider our relationship as easily dispensable, but I sure as hell don't." <-- This part too, I totally understand. It's something I've been going through recently, and I know it hurts so much. But I think holding onto these things just creates bitterness in our hearts, and that is never good.. I can already sense little bits of bitterness forming in me and I've been trying to get rid of it. But it is so hard...
I've been praying that God will help me to be satisfied in him alone even when circumstances are bad (like when we feel discarded by people). Because really, if we have Jesus himself living in us and interceding for us and all that, why should it matter that some people discard us, right? (I know, so much easier said than done. Or.. "thought" in this matter). But really. I think it's times like these when you see that even in these circumstances, there are still those few special people that really care for you for who you are and really treasure the friendship you have with them. And it's in those few friendships where you can go deeper and grow together. Ashley Chin once told me that I need to learn to invest myself in the right people (meaning people that will treasure you as much as you treasure them), and I think that is very true.
I dont think it's wrong at all to ask/expect that people will care for you just as much as you care for them. But I've been thinking that maybe it's just impossible to have that kind of relationship with some people.. I've been trying to learn to just "let go." Letting go of people.. I dont know if that's the right thing to do, actually. But as of right now, I feel like thats one way to protect our hearts and focus on God instead of being sad about other people.
I dont know! Hahaha I wrote so much but the end is that I don't know. Aishh.
Kevin!
ReplyDeleteJust for the record-- I love you! I hope you never doubt that...
seriously. :]
Even though our heavenly reward amidst persecution, suffering, trial and tribulation is the comfort of Christ Jesus alone, God uses earthly means as well. What you're going through can leave you bitter and cynical but it's when you resign yourself to such a state that you've really lost.
ReplyDeleteContinue on and run the race with endurance and an active patience that is always on the look out for how God is moving. It's the hopeful and active patience that people are drawn to rather than a cynical bearing with a situation because it's "the right thing to do." Fight for it and you'll have the friends you deserve.
But as for now, whether it's really true or you have yet to open your eyes to a hidden abundance of faithful friends, just know that I care. I love you man.
Hmm.. I think a truly wonderful thing about your current situation is having hope in Christ and knowing that Christ, even though He was persecuted just the same, overcame and was victorious.
ReplyDeleteAs you pray for brokenness, patience, and the heart of a loving servant, I pray that you would seek reconciliation with those friends in love. Yes, we should learn to turn to the other cheek, but at the same time, maybe this is an opportunity to show Christ's love in you. To me, it seems like you just are trying to turn the other cheek "in love," but they don't see that "love." Maybe you should try to stand up for yourself, not to prove yourself in the right and the other in the wrong, or anything of the sort, but show your weakness and hurt,express your true feeling through love and desire for the friendship to grow stronger in the Lord.
We as humans, and beings of flesh, will never be completely perfect in any area. But knowing that you and I are considered royalty in the eyes of our Lord, helps us to trust in His strength and deliverance of peace, than our understanding.
Through prayer, I believe the Lord will grant you peace, reconciliation in love, the sincerity to live a life in full view of GOD's grace and mercy, and His desire to use you for His kingdom.
Persevere in the race Kevin :) Though there are many bumps and obstacles in the way, never lose sight of the brilliance that lays ahead of you :D Let's run together homie!
You asking those difficult questions made me respect you all the more. Do you know how hard it is for people to realize these insecurities and to ask the right questions that point everything back to God?
ReplyDeleteI don't have an answer for you, I'm sorry. I struggle with the same things that come in forms of insecurities, friendships, commitments, etc.
But can you trust that God is still good? Can you trust that God still loves you and asks you to remember that every day is a new day to glorify God's name?
In these times of confusion, cling to faith. You're growing into such an amazing man of God.